As we speak, every day, all day long whether it's via messenger, phone calls or our short visits, you continue to open up to me and share with me all of you. You take all the doubts in my mind and throw them away. I don't have to ask you to do so, it's almost as though you know that it's possible that I'd ask you about the last few hours and instead you just simply share with me what you'd been doing. You back it up with pictures, posted without me knowing, cancelling out anything that I might question.
I don't know if you do it on purpose to prove that you are an honest person, or if it's simply who you are and you don't question it yourself. Although, it's important whether or not it's built into your soul and being. It's extremely important for me to know that you are what you indicate that you are. It's important to know that my trust isn't wasted on another individual.
My soul and trust has been through so much on my journey here on earth, that it's easy for doubt to set in. At times, it is even easier for the doubt to ride the negative wave and remember what happened, verses what is real. There's been people, men, that have hurt me over and over all my life. They've never given me a chance to trust them thoroughly. They've taken what I knew was comfort and turned it into a hell I don't particularly enjoy. They've thought that was their path to happiness, was also a path to a misery that I know all to well. With my temple and spirit knowing this path all so well, opening up becomes much harder and more sacred as the years go by.
As time passes, the risk of that hell surpasses the loneliness I meet each day. As the children grow and my dreams continue on, it's incredibly hard to grasp the reality that each night as I lay my head down, I'm alone with my higher power and no one else to share it with. I sit in the darkness and wonder if I'll ever have a chance like others to share my day with someone, other then my teddy bear who lays there still and has no response to my tears. Sometimes, it's as simple as knowing that someone else is there to share the good, bad and ugly with, that makes me want to surpass the risk of the hell that may appear once again.
They say that if you don't ever take the chance to love, love will never find you. They say that if you give up, you'll never know. They say that if you close the door and don't leave it open a sliver, nothing will ever get through. I don't want that - any of that. I don't want to leave this earth with out having known love again.
I like that you show me I'm on your mind.
I like knowing that you think of me through out the day.
I like knowing that you wonder what I mean when I say something you don't understand.
I like that you trust me with your daily redundancy.
I like that you let me know when you are upset, confused or happy.
I like that you pick on me.
I like that you are taking your time to get to know ME.
I like that you put me in my face, call me on my own shit and that you are not afraid to say it like it is
I like that you are just as stubborn as I am.
I like you... alot
As you drove back the other night, I sat there, thinking how great it felt to just be with someone who wanted to actually be with just me. It felt good to know that even if you aren't THAT into me, you at least like my company. Sometimes, I like to just sit and be... it's when I know that everything in that exact moment is just the way it's suppose to be and that no matter what nothing can take that moment from me, as it could end in the next. That's what those 20 minutes were. Moments that I enjoyed, captured and realized that I'm extremely fucking scared that it may end the next moment, but yet also engraving them into my soul. Engraving HOPE. Hope that the reality of not being alone forever, actually could happen and that the truth of the matter is....I have to let it.
I'm glad you drove that night, just like you said, sometimes I have to remember to get outta the drivers seat and let my higher power drive.
For what it's worth --thank you. Thank you for opening up your soul to me and to allow me to realize that there's still really good men out there and that it's possible to have one in my life. I'm grateful for you.
Monday, October 24, 2016
Friday, September 9, 2016
What he didn't even know he was doing to me ...
After spending a few short hours together in public, trying with all our might to not allow the butterflies to interrupt us, working on paying attention that we were actually in public and not giving into every temptation that we had and giving into exactly what our minds knew we wanted too.....
You walked in front of me, after having listened to me and the issues that I'm currently dealing with, being a single mother of two, juggling life on life's terms while going to college and putting them into their next years in school all the while, knowing fair well that I'm inching by to make it financially, you shared with me thoughts that made my attraction to you even stronger.
Maybe it's because I've not allowed myself to get close to a male being in a very long time, or maybe it's because you took the simple time out of your day to go with me for a few hours and give them to me, or maybe it's because you are simply that amazing ....
Whatever the 'real' reason was, you took another step closer to who I am inside, with your responses to what I was sharing. It was as though you knew that as I shared about struggling, exactly what I needed to hear to make the struggles more bearable. It's as though the thoughts that you had shared with me matched the embrace that you also shared with me when we first met. It's as though God heard me and knew that I needed you, It's as though you were put there, at that moment, for a reason much larger then I could imagine or explain.
What you don't know is that what you shared, I'd not even thought of, I'd not even put that thought process to what I was doing in life. For what I'm doing in life, isn't always about what's so far in the future but more so what's in front of me and the children. For I continue to do the footwork, to make it to the next moment, not that far in the future.
It felt as though you knew.
You knew the exact words that I hear in movies or in others lives that actually made a difference in their children's lives.
You knew, perceived and applied what I was living to what you'd seen in other's lives and worlds and confirmed that what I am doing is the 'right' things to be doing.
You confirmed that the struggle is worth it, even though right now I could collapse from the stress and pressures of life it's self.
I'm not even sure if you realize the impact you had on me by what you said/did that night. You were attractive to me the entire time we'd spent together, even more so each time we'd see each other or chat with one another, but that night, those words, you opened up a whole different level of attraction to you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for what you shared.
Thank you for showing up in my life.
Thank you for impacting my world, in the extremely short time you've been here.
Thank you for showing me that the HOPE that I had tucked away in my back pocket, was actually real and that there's still a chance for an ole woman like me.
You walked in front of me, after having listened to me and the issues that I'm currently dealing with, being a single mother of two, juggling life on life's terms while going to college and putting them into their next years in school all the while, knowing fair well that I'm inching by to make it financially, you shared with me thoughts that made my attraction to you even stronger.
Maybe it's because I've not allowed myself to get close to a male being in a very long time, or maybe it's because you took the simple time out of your day to go with me for a few hours and give them to me, or maybe it's because you are simply that amazing ....
Whatever the 'real' reason was, you took another step closer to who I am inside, with your responses to what I was sharing. It was as though you knew that as I shared about struggling, exactly what I needed to hear to make the struggles more bearable. It's as though the thoughts that you had shared with me matched the embrace that you also shared with me when we first met. It's as though God heard me and knew that I needed you, It's as though you were put there, at that moment, for a reason much larger then I could imagine or explain.
What you don't know is that what you shared, I'd not even thought of, I'd not even put that thought process to what I was doing in life. For what I'm doing in life, isn't always about what's so far in the future but more so what's in front of me and the children. For I continue to do the footwork, to make it to the next moment, not that far in the future.
It felt as though you knew.
You knew the exact words that I hear in movies or in others lives that actually made a difference in their children's lives.
You knew, perceived and applied what I was living to what you'd seen in other's lives and worlds and confirmed that what I am doing is the 'right' things to be doing.
You confirmed that the struggle is worth it, even though right now I could collapse from the stress and pressures of life it's self.
I'm not even sure if you realize the impact you had on me by what you said/did that night. You were attractive to me the entire time we'd spent together, even more so each time we'd see each other or chat with one another, but that night, those words, you opened up a whole different level of attraction to you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for what you shared.
Thank you for showing up in my life.
Thank you for impacting my world, in the extremely short time you've been here.
Thank you for showing me that the HOPE that I had tucked away in my back pocket, was actually real and that there's still a chance for an ole woman like me.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
My life didn't go that way
🍀 🍀 🍀 🍀 ~~ BE THE CHANGE ~~ 🍀 🍀 🍀 🍀
When I was growing up the thing to do was to be in sports, grow up, meet the spouse of your life, get married and have babies and then grow old together.
🎈 🎉 🎈 🎉 Well, my life didn't go like that. 🎈 🎉 🎈 🎉
I'm grateful that I was not married long and that my world crashed after I realized that living life to the fullest meant, not using any chemicals and helping others is the key to living a different way of life, all the while learning about myself, through the pain, the trials, the errors, the tribulations. If it were not for my husband leaving me for another woman I'd not be who I am today. I'd not be the parent that I am today. I'd not be the friend that I am today. I'd not be even close to who I am today.
I'm grateful that I was blessed with two bankruptcies, near homelessness twice, loss of an unborn child and a foreclosure, for I've learned between that and growing up with the bare minimum that these are all only ITEMS. The real 'things' in life are in the heart, the arms of those you love and the souls of those around us.
I'm grateful that I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy children that my higher power seems to believe that I can raise on my own ( 3/4's of the time ) and that I'm able to see right from wrong to show them a healthy way of life and that I was offered a chance to a third child. Yet, I'm able to know today that two was my magic number.
I'm grateful that I hit my heaviest weight while I was married with children and that I became disgusted enough to change my entire world and integrate fitness and health into as a way of life.
I'm grateful that today, I'm being given a chance to follow every dream that I ever had and that I'm able to do this on my own free will ( with the help from above and the angels that surround me ). That I'm able to chase after a life that was completely unknown to me while growing up and only ever seen in the movies or cartoons. That I've been given tools to make a difference ... in more then one person's life.
Today - I'm grateful that I'm not the same person that entered her adulthood and that all the trials and tribulations that were presented to me, I was able to turn them around 100% and make them a positive verses a negative.
Today - I'm grateful for YOU. For it was you that believed in me to get me to this point and YOU that keep me moving forward.
#ONWARDTOEPIC
#BETHECHANGE
Monday, April 18, 2016
Thank you for all the heartache.
The sun was blasting it's beauty down on me as I drove away, after dropping off the children, knowing that I had to let them go for another 9 hours so that I was able to attend to the place that paid our bills, yet I didn't want to let them go, for I also knew that you'd not be calling me today.
I sent out messages to all those I was close to at that time, sharing with them that I was thinking of them and only wished that someone had sent me a message first.
I drove home.
Knowing that through the day you'd never call me.
Knowing that through the day you'd never text me.
Knowing that through the day you'd never think of me.
Knowing that the person I'd given my heart to didn't feel the same way any longer.
This happened for almost two years.
Than I changed.
I let you go.
Today, I drove that exact same drive, the sun wasn't shining down on me, but my heart wasn't missing you any longer. Today, the children weren't leaving for the day. Today, I didn't yearn for you to contact me. Today, I don't think about you. Today, I don't wait.
We all have changes to face in our lives.
We all have challenges to face in our lives.
We all have choices to make in our lives.
We all have heart ache in our lives.
We all have this life, called a journey.
It's up to us to choose to live it in misery or to actually live it.
It's up to us to choose to feel the feelings that attend this journey with us.
It's up to us to choose to grow and change with this journey.
It's up to us to choose to let go and become stronger.
It's up to us to choose to become who we'd like to be.
It's up to us to choose to do the work.
It's up to us to choose.
I've let you go.
I've chosen to learn to live.
I've made room for the next adventure in my heart.
I've decided that this journey doesn't end because we feel pain.
I've decided that this journey includes bumps, mistakes, lessons and so much more.
Thank you for all the times we had together.
Thank you for teaching me how strong I really am.
Thank you for teaching me that I'm worth it.
Thank you for everything you left behind.
Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you.
Someday, that love that I felt, will return.
Someday, that message will appear and it will warm my heart, soul and everything in between.
Someday, I'll love again.
For today, I'm working on loving me more and sharing the love to those that show me that they love me.
Today.
I will LOVE.
For today, is all I have. Today.
I sent out messages to all those I was close to at that time, sharing with them that I was thinking of them and only wished that someone had sent me a message first.
I drove home.
Knowing that through the day you'd never call me.
Knowing that through the day you'd never text me.
Knowing that through the day you'd never think of me.
Knowing that the person I'd given my heart to didn't feel the same way any longer.
This happened for almost two years.
Than I changed.
I let you go.
Today, I drove that exact same drive, the sun wasn't shining down on me, but my heart wasn't missing you any longer. Today, the children weren't leaving for the day. Today, I didn't yearn for you to contact me. Today, I don't think about you. Today, I don't wait.
We all have changes to face in our lives.
We all have challenges to face in our lives.
We all have choices to make in our lives.
We all have heart ache in our lives.
We all have this life, called a journey.
It's up to us to choose to live it in misery or to actually live it.
It's up to us to choose to feel the feelings that attend this journey with us.
It's up to us to choose to grow and change with this journey.
It's up to us to choose to let go and become stronger.
It's up to us to choose to become who we'd like to be.
It's up to us to choose to do the work.
It's up to us to choose.
I've let you go.
I've chosen to learn to live.
I've made room for the next adventure in my heart.
I've decided that this journey doesn't end because we feel pain.
Thank you for all the times we had together.
Thank you for teaching me how strong I really am.
Thank you for teaching me that I'm worth it.
Thank you for everything you left behind.
Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you.
Someday, that love that I felt, will return.
Someday, that message will appear and it will warm my heart, soul and everything in between.
Someday, I'll love again.
For today, I'm working on loving me more and sharing the love to those that show me that they love me.
Today.
I will LOVE.
For today, is all I have. Today.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
A Romantic Thought
As I opened the door, in the sunlight, sat a vase with the most amazing, colorful and beautiful array of roses, surrounded with rays of sunlight. All the most inviting to the smile that was brought to my face as I seen them and walked over to them, to bend over and admire them as well as take a scent of the warming sight of such beauty. Standing there, wondering why you went to the effort to get them and what brought this on, completely forgetting about anything that had been on my mind that day or the days prior, than you slowly walk in behind me and grab my waist, gently.
I smell you and I close my eyes and allow you to take your hands and do what you do the best with them, as you know exactly where to touch me to make the world disappear and as you turn me around, I know that in a few minutes there will be nothing but the feeling of you and I with nothing else in this world to interrupt this moment. That feeling that when you kiss me, the world is nothing but magic and the touch of your hands on me, helps me to know that there's no way that the feelings of love don't exist so strongly and that nothing can break that barrier. Your scent, Your touch, You help me to know that no matter what happens in this world, there's always HOPE and that the fairy tales do exist.
The way that you kiss me and the way that you touch me, makes my knees so weak, yet you are already of aware of this, so you guide me, extremely gently, into the closest spot nearest us and allow me to fall gently while taking your strong arms and holding onto me letting me completely melt in them. You allow me to collapse from your touch and you only take the utmost slightest breathes to share with me that this is only the beginning of the next few hours, where you will take full advantage of my vulnerability and allow me to completely melt around you.
I smell you and I close my eyes and allow you to take your hands and do what you do the best with them, as you know exactly where to touch me to make the world disappear and as you turn me around, I know that in a few minutes there will be nothing but the feeling of you and I with nothing else in this world to interrupt this moment. That feeling that when you kiss me, the world is nothing but magic and the touch of your hands on me, helps me to know that there's no way that the feelings of love don't exist so strongly and that nothing can break that barrier. Your scent, Your touch, You help me to know that no matter what happens in this world, there's always HOPE and that the fairy tales do exist.
The way that you kiss me and the way that you touch me, makes my knees so weak, yet you are already of aware of this, so you guide me, extremely gently, into the closest spot nearest us and allow me to fall gently while taking your strong arms and holding onto me letting me completely melt in them. You allow me to collapse from your touch and you only take the utmost slightest breathes to share with me that this is only the beginning of the next few hours, where you will take full advantage of my vulnerability and allow me to completely melt around you.
*** There's so much more to this one ..... Just let your imagination flow peeps and have a GREAT NIGHT!! ***
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
If you don't believe, you should read this!!!
If you don't believe in Miracles, you are not living life correctly!!!
Here's why I say this:
In December '15 I had NO idea how I was going to give the children a Christmas because my communication with Santa was nill and the home we were living in was only due to a wonderful man and his generosity to put up a mother and her children until she found something more suitable for her family. We were gifted by ANGELS and given a break by Santa and his elves and the children were VERY blessed this past season.
In January '15 I had the intention to get us into permanent housing, yet knew absolutely no idea how I was going to accomplish that!! I was working a job I wasn't happy at and I was not making ends meet. I decided to work harder on myself, get back into training mode and utilize what I had around me, which wasn't much. Honestly, I didn't have anymore than what I carried in my pack and my babies now.
I'd pray every day, every night for God to show me the way to the answers to help me through this bump in the road... every damn day!!! All I wanted was to see what way I suppose to go so that I could make this road smoother for my children and I. I never ever meant for this to all happen to us!! I wasn't regretting what I had been through or what I had chosen to do, but I didn't know what was to come next.
I decided to sign up for school and take a chance at something I'd knew I'd dislike for the time being, but yet I needed to take advantage of everything I could at this point. So, school was the next best answer. It would allow me the assistance to make things different for us and also create a venue for me to provide for my children, with help for me to finally breathe again. All the while, training for my next personal goal.
I also decided to file my taxes and file bankruptcy, start completely fresh and give up all that I had built and/or tried in the past, by closing the doors on the business and all that was behind me.
I had NO IDEA what was going to happen to us!! I didn't give up, I never lost faith or hope, but I did start to wonder what God had planned for us. For at this point, I'd pretty much started to hate life and didn't want to ever be there again. This is when all the angels just started to appear in my life and come from the wood work and start their amazing work in my life:
February '15 is when it all began to look like the clouds had started to lift and my life took a turn I'm still trying to put together for it's still spinning.
When a man walked into the store that I was working at to offer me a place to rent, due to the fact that he knew my entire story and wanted the children and I to look at the home that night. ( Who walks in to find you to rent to you when they can rent the home out within a day in your city ? )
When a friend emailed me about a job that she had for me, that she indicated would be perfect for me in the upcoming years. ( Who emails you about a job, that would fight in such a way that you'd be silly to pass it up )
When an old friend messaged me to fill my new home with furniture, because he didn't think anyone else deserved it more than I. ( Who emails you to fill your new home full of furniture when you have no funds to pay them? )
When you call the utility companies and you know that you owe them from previous homes you'd lived in and they allow you to hook up service with them the next day.
When you need to find a wonderful home for your cats and you get the call, four days before your move, that they are wanted by an amazing, loving family with a yard and comforting home.
When you needed to find something you'd thought you'd lost in the moves prior through the temporary homes, the exact night that you are able to hook everything up for the move in four days.
When your new landlord gives you a week's break on the first months rent or even allows you to disperse your deposit over the next few months.
When your life continues to be blessed in ways you've never imagined ... you need to remember that by believing and NEVER GIVING UP things do happen. You need to remember that you are WORTH IT and that by continuing to do the NEXT RIGHT THING, you are given just what you need and that there are angels out there watching over you.
I'm not sure what's next in my life, I do know that I now have a two year personal physique goal, as well as a five year plan with school and the new job and I also know that I have a life long goal to give back to all that I'm able too. For making sure that to pay this all forward is the only way to live.
If there's anything I can do for all those that have been helping me in this life I'm living, is to help the next person that needs help, especially when they don't know how they will make it.
I've only listed small events in my life, for the larger ones are the ones that seem insignificant to the world, yet those are the ones that matter the most. For the smaller the miracle, the larger the gifts. So here's some HOPE for all of you reading this.
Stop for a moment and count your blessings, because until you are with out them, you may not realize how blessed you are!!!! Yet, ALWAYS BELIEVE ... for there's hope where there's faith.
"It's the first step we need to work on, the rest of the staircase is none of our business!!"
Saturday, February 27, 2016
A letter to the Fire Fighter that implanted on my heart
Dear Mr. B,
While I'll never know if you'll ever read this nor do I need to know that, I need to write this and share this with the universe so that you realize how much you helped me in my life. This blog is dedicated to you, for you are a huge part of who I'll allow in my life now and I'll be eternally grateful to you for that. I sometimes wonder if that's because you were built to be a 'hero' and by finding that out about yourself, you are able to impact all those that you come into contact with.
Lately, I've had many memories of our times together. It's been pretty intense lately and maybe it's because I have alot going on and I need an escape or maybe it's because I need to remember how amazing it was when we were together to keep some HOPE in my world, so that I'm able to know in my heart that I'll find that again. Eitherway, it is what it is and it is that.
There was a time that you shared with me how much you loved reading my writings and how I should continue to write, no matter what. That time that you shared that with me, I'm not highly convinced that I believed you 100%, for I figured you only saying to flatter me. Than you'd repeat that... It wasn't until recently that more people have shared that exact same thing with me again and it helps me to reiterate how important you were in my life at that time and how much you helped me to believe in myself and something that I enjoy doing.
As I shared earlier in another blog, what it was like to 'like' someone at the age of 39, I realized something else that you taught me. I'm a VERY intense individual and I share to the rawest form to many and that's who I am and how I'm wired. I'll need someone to embrace that about me and be able to share those attributes with me, like you did. You helped me to 'grow' verses pushing me into a shell. You allowed me to 'blossom' and you didn't push me onto another route. You embraced that part of me and you add fuel to it, verses putting it out. That's something that I'll need from the next man that enters my life and if they don't embrace that part of me, it won't work out between us.
You always shared your romantic side, yet you always made sure that I felt 'comfortable' in EVERY situation that we were in. You NEVER allowed me to be if I you didn't know that I was OK. Every moment that we spent together, I was never shown that I wasn't your priority. You ALWAYS made sure I was alright with what was occurring, within reason. You helped me to realize that it's possible to have that in my life, every day and that it's not a fairy tale, it's real.
There was never a moment that I didn't feel connected to you, when we were in our relationship, even though we lived miles away from one another. You always helped me to try new things and strengthen that connection. There wasn't a time where I never felt as though you didn't want nothing more than for me to be right there next to you. Thank you for that, for it helped me to realize that no matter what the other person has going on in their lives, they always have time to help those they love know that they are wanted.
I could go on and on and on ... yet, instead, just know that you helped this woman know that fairy tales do come true, not that they all have the best ending, they are out there. I'm grateful that you allowed me to be a part of your life for the time being that I was there and I'll always be grateful to you for showing me that them men like you do exist AND they are attainable.
I do honestly hope that you continue to stay happy and do what you need to do to make that happen, for Mr. B., you deserve nothing less than the world and back again.
#TBT : Falling in love doesn't happen every day
As I shared earlier in another blog, what it was like to 'like' someone at the age of 39, I realized something else that you taught me. I'm a VERY intense individual and I share to the rawest form to many and that's who I am and how I'm wired. I'll need someone to embrace that about me and be able to share those attributes with me, like you did. You helped me to 'grow' verses pushing me into a shell. You allowed me to 'blossom' and you didn't push me onto another route. You embraced that part of me and you add fuel to it, verses putting it out. That's something that I'll need from the next man that enters my life and if they don't embrace that part of me, it won't work out between us.
You always shared your romantic side, yet you always made sure that I felt 'comfortable' in EVERY situation that we were in. You NEVER allowed me to be if I you didn't know that I was OK. Every moment that we spent together, I was never shown that I wasn't your priority. You ALWAYS made sure I was alright with what was occurring, within reason. You helped me to realize that it's possible to have that in my life, every day and that it's not a fairy tale, it's real.
There was never a moment that I didn't feel connected to you, when we were in our relationship, even though we lived miles away from one another. You always helped me to try new things and strengthen that connection. There wasn't a time where I never felt as though you didn't want nothing more than for me to be right there next to you. Thank you for that, for it helped me to realize that no matter what the other person has going on in their lives, they always have time to help those they love know that they are wanted.
I could go on and on and on ... yet, instead, just know that you helped this woman know that fairy tales do come true, not that they all have the best ending, they are out there. I'm grateful that you allowed me to be a part of your life for the time being that I was there and I'll always be grateful to you for showing me that them men like you do exist AND they are attainable.
I do honestly hope that you continue to stay happy and do what you need to do to make that happen, for Mr. B., you deserve nothing less than the world and back again.
#TBT : Falling in love doesn't happen every day
We Pocket Our PRIDE
Through each different scenario that I need to adhere strength and apply it with all my might, I don't question it at that moment, I just make sure that I'm holding onto my faith, loving myself and those around me and make the 'right' decision that is needed in the next moment. It's never an easy task, nor do I wish these experiences upon anyone else in this world, yet, I'm well aware that each of us have these and that we all need to deal with them as they arrive.
Years back I was given a beautiful gift named recovery. Through the times that I've had to face my most weakest spots, I've not been able to numb the pain or feelings. As they note in one of the books:
"We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe." ( Into Action ~ Big Book )
For you see, living life today for me is to be a spiritual being who is able to create a vision of HOPE to all that exist in this world. In order for me to accomplish that, I need to be fearless and to face the entire experience that's in front of me with the utmost courage and tolerance, all the while loving myself through the entirety of the situation. When I lose track of those simple applications, I lose myself and when I lose myself, people get hurt.
After thinking it through today, I've moved alot in my life, not always due to my own circumstances, nor of my own wishes, however, each time that I move the children and I, I don't dread the move. Instead I embrace it. As though, it's a new beginning, in a new environment, something that we've never experienced. It's as though, we are given another chance to make something for ourselves, where we hadn't had the opportunity prior. For through the pain, we grow and become more. There's so much to be said about starting over. There's so much to be said about letting go of where you are and starting over, with all that you have inside and beginning something new, while taking risks and not knowing the end outcome.
When you allow yourself to take the risk of beginning a new chapter, you have choices to either sit in the negative or you are able to embrace the experience itself and take from it what you know as well as learn so much more within yourself. From those lessons, one is able to help so many people!! As well as teach others how to live differently.
While I've never realized how strong I am, until it's usually pointed out to me, I do know this :
I'm a courageous, confident woman that has a force behind her that will never allow me to fall to the depths of never getting back up again. I'm a strong woman that believes in the universe and will also rely on the spirits to help her get back up again. I'm a woman that knows that through all the trials and tribulations, she's become the woman that she is today and that there's only so much more growth to endure to become that much more of a woman, who will, in fact, one day share her entire spirit with the world and let more than those of you reading this, that the IMPOSSIBLE is POSSIBLE and that by continuing to GET BACK UP, you create more strength inside yourself. When you achieve the impossible, you in turn, create a stronger connect within that no one, not ONE PERSON, can break other than yourself. YOU are who YOU are because of what you've been through and by choosing to continue on, by allowing change and growth to continue in your world, you are who you are and YOU ARE AMAZING, beautiful and a phenomenal mirrored image of your insides.
Embrace the experiences, for it's through each and every one of them that are helping you to become who you choose to be and who you choose to allow the world to know. Show up for the fight, even if you are hit down and have absolutely nothing left to help yourself back up, do it for the inner you that deserves to LIVE this journey called LIFE!!!!
** Thank you to all of you who've given me HOPE, LOVE and SUPPORT through this entire journey, for without all of you, I'd NEVER be who I am today!!!
When you allow yourself to take the risk of beginning a new chapter, you have choices to either sit in the negative or you are able to embrace the experience itself and take from it what you know as well as learn so much more within yourself. From those lessons, one is able to help so many people!! As well as teach others how to live differently.
While I've never realized how strong I am, until it's usually pointed out to me, I do know this :
I'm a courageous, confident woman that has a force behind her that will never allow me to fall to the depths of never getting back up again. I'm a strong woman that believes in the universe and will also rely on the spirits to help her get back up again. I'm a woman that knows that through all the trials and tribulations, she's become the woman that she is today and that there's only so much more growth to endure to become that much more of a woman, who will, in fact, one day share her entire spirit with the world and let more than those of you reading this, that the IMPOSSIBLE is POSSIBLE and that by continuing to GET BACK UP, you create more strength inside yourself. When you achieve the impossible, you in turn, create a stronger connect within that no one, not ONE PERSON, can break other than yourself. YOU are who YOU are because of what you've been through and by choosing to continue on, by allowing change and growth to continue in your world, you are who you are and YOU ARE AMAZING, beautiful and a phenomenal mirrored image of your insides.
Embrace the experiences, for it's through each and every one of them that are helping you to become who you choose to be and who you choose to allow the world to know. Show up for the fight, even if you are hit down and have absolutely nothing left to help yourself back up, do it for the inner you that deserves to LIVE this journey called LIFE!!!!
** Thank you to all of you who've given me HOPE, LOVE and SUPPORT through this entire journey, for without all of you, I'd NEVER be who I am today!!!
Know your WORTH
There's no other way to describe it.
It's absolutely amazing to know that not only are worthy of good, others believe the exact same and see what you see in yourself and respect your worth.
Today I knew that I was going to meet a couple that owned a business, who were interested in employing me, yet what happened after I met them was beyond what I had imagined.
We met at their new shop and they shared with me what was to occur and where the 'office' was going and what they had envisioned, as to where I would be working. They shared about how the shop was to evolve and what was going to happen in the near future.
They went on to share with me about their pasts, how he was a body builder and how he earned MR. Minnesota Natural, showed me his trophies and they shared what it was like during those times. They also shared with me their exercise regimen and what they'd like to do and so on and so forth. They shared with me about the crew, the business itself and then they went on to share what they'd like from me as an employee. Than they listened to my past experience and what I had learned over the years and the excitement just grew from there. It become more and more evident that I was to be with them as they grow and become larger as a business. The excitement grew between the three of us and we continued on to speak of the near future and what they were looking for as far as hours and how it all fit so perfectly where I am in my life today. They also shared how I could help in other areas that they didn't know if I'd be able to do so until we started sharing. I'm to contact them on required salary and hours, as the beginning date has now been set.
When I walked away, I knew that God had another piece in this. It was a blessing that came to me when I knew that I had the opportunity to better myself and that all the while doing so, I could also endure in happiness and that I didn't have to live miserably while caring for my children. I knew in that moment that God had started working on his phenomenal plan set up for me and my next chapter of my life.
Than, as I ran another errand, there was my new landlord, to share with me that the move in date was now bumped up to the first of the month and handed me all the numbers to call and get all the utilities set up in my name. He continued to be nothing but fun, bubbly and some what of a child like minded man knowing that he was helping out someone that needed nothing more than a break from life. He continued to share that life is to serious so why always act that way, we have to enjoy the time we have here on this earth.
As I went back to work, I had to start sharing and there was a lady in the council of the 'Deli' area that listened and confirmed that no matter what it's going to all work out, with everything moving forward. I'm blessed to have my own council in the Deli arena of our work environment.
A while later, my boss came to me to ask of a rumor about myself looking for another job and I'm not good when I'm called out like that, so I was honest and told him what was brewing. I also shared with him that I would give him all the deets as soon as I have them so that he can do with them as he chose to do so. Honestly, it was scary and hard, for I hate leaving people that have done me so much good and leaving them in a tough spot, yet I know that I need to do what's best for me and the children.
He than approved overtime for me to get in all that I needed from here and out. To help with the money portion of life as well as just keeping things afloat.
Than I chose to get my workout in and head over to a meeting, yet I wanted nothing more than to share my good news with those that care about me. It was tearing at me to share this great news, so I called my children, while they are on vacation until Sunday. They listened, but didn't understand how profound this opportunity is!!!
Upon returning home, I asked for someone to listen to my great news and was connected with an old soul that was there many years back and has returned recently on my journey. We shared for hours and hours, which I didn't realize what an impact I have on others, until this conversation on top of a few others I've had recently.
The way we live our lives are incredible and impact so many people, yet until we look at ourselves and take some honest inventories, we are not able to see the way we send out ripples and waves and how we touch others. My dreams have always been nothing shy of helping others around the world in a loving, kind and caring way through all my experience, strength and hope. I'm finally realizing that my worth is extremely expensive and priceless and that with each time I share, I'm helping someone somewhere and allowing myself to be of service to the greater good.
I'm extremely blessed to have all that I have and am surrounded by all the loving and caring individuals in this world. Thank you to all of you that continue to follow me and even those of you that do not like me or find hatred when hearing my name, for you fuel my fire and give me reasons to continue to do nothing but good in this world all the while continuing to be human.
#MommaLori #MakesItHappen through #faith -->> #OnwardToEpic
Thursday, February 25, 2016
When following the signs and keeping the FAITH
The old saying goes:
"Don't quit before the Miracle happens" and it still stands very true for this woman!! Here's a story of why......
As I had placed the children and I into temporary housing, all the while looking continuously for where we'd go after having an eviction on my record from the previous long standing home that the children and I had in an apartment, I had NO IDEA how I was going to get us into a permanent residence and in the town that they yearned to live in. I had a full time position with low pay, yet it was enough to keep us afloat until I made better plans. Which is what I did, in the MEAN time. ( An old sponsor of mine used to tell me: It's ALL Mean time )I had connected to all of those that I felt were spiritual in nature and had been where I had been, as well as connecting to all the local businesses and letting everyone in my path know exactly what I was going through and asking for the help needed. I wasn't going to give up until I found what we needed to move forward and the first thing on that list was a permanent place to live for the next few years as I build back up my life.
There was a storage unit that I was renting from a local business man. When I signed the contract I told him of my entire situation and that if he had heard of anything to let me know or what not, while sharing with him my entire situation. What I didn't know or realize was that others were also looking out for the children and I!! He was asked by the owner of the business that I worked fulltime for to find us a place to live. So, that's just what he did....
As they called me up to the front, they explained to me that I was being asked for by a man that I had rented a storage unit from, what he had to share with me was not what I was expecting!!! It actually blew me off my socks and brought tears to my eyes when I got back to my office space.
He came in to share with me that he had his largest rental open and that if I wanted it, to come and check it out. That evening worked out for us and we decided to take the opportunity!! Of course, we have to make more changes, leaving our cats out of the equation now, but we would now have not only our own place to live, we would also have a front and back door with a HUGE back yard to play in!!! It's a blessing, a blasted blessing ... but it doesn't end there !!
A week after sharing that we were going to be moving into a 3/4 bdrm home, we were gifted with all the furnishing needed, as you see we had not much left after having moved two times in less than 3 months. We had downsized even more and was only left with the bare essentials. We had calls left and right with people trying to help us out. The largest gift thus far was an entire home full of furnishings that were offered up to us. Not only did we end up with a fully furnished home, we also ended up with some extra added bonuses, such as a hutch for Momma!!
Than as things began to get closer to the move in date, we were continued with blessings upon blessings.... all the times in my life, I've had to either rent a truck, beg people to bring their trucks or do it on my own...but not this time. We were blessed with the owners truck to move everything!!! People continued to sign up to help us move...
It's absolutely phenomenal to me how God works.
I've given up all control and I'm not worrying about the next step. I honestly do not know what's all next in my life, I have some goals, some plans and some things in line, but the rest, I have absolutely NO IDEA!!!! NONE!!! And I'm OK with that. Why ?? Well, because God's got me.
As long as I continue to take that first step, the rest of the staircase is none of my business!! NONE!!! Here we go ... #OnwardToEPIC with #MommaLori who #MakesItHappen
#KeepTheFaith and #NEVERGIVEUP
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Risk or Regret ?
Earlier today I sent the post about what it's like to like someone at 39 and I was respectively turned down by that exact individual. I kindly responded with a polite gesture and thanked him for being openminded and not quickly to judge, yet standing his ground for himself.
It didn't really hurt, it was more relieving to know that he's not that into me and that he's on another path than I. It actually lead me to realize that I'm only making a larger list of what I'm yearning and looking for in a man, than to sit in misery and wonder why this or why not that. It helped me to remember some GREAT memories with those that I loved previously. It helped me to remember the times I was held and how profoundly amazing it felt to be in someone's arms that really cared for me. It helped me to remember other's gestures of love and what I really enjoyed in my life, thus far. Since there have been some glimpses of HOPE and LOVE, I really do not want to forget them.
Do I regret taking the risks I've taken to love? Absolutely NOT!!! Why you ask, would I put myself on the line and become so vulnerable to know that rejection is literally right around the corner. Well, it's simple really, I'll never know if that ONE person will be there if I don't share who I really am. I'm a very intense, high energy, complex, loving, caring, kind hearted, generous and courageous woman who will move mountains for those she loves, as well as go on adventures, take risks and do pretty much what most humans won't to see what's on the other side. I'm a great person who knows herself and also loves herself enough to know that she makes multiple mistakes and is still learning how to live this journey called life. I've got a long ways to go, but one thing I won't do is REGRET!! EVER!!!
It didn't really hurt, it was more relieving to know that he's not that into me and that he's on another path than I. It actually lead me to realize that I'm only making a larger list of what I'm yearning and looking for in a man, than to sit in misery and wonder why this or why not that. It helped me to remember some GREAT memories with those that I loved previously. It helped me to remember the times I was held and how profoundly amazing it felt to be in someone's arms that really cared for me. It helped me to remember other's gestures of love and what I really enjoyed in my life, thus far. Since there have been some glimpses of HOPE and LOVE, I really do not want to forget them.
Do I regret taking the risks I've taken to love? Absolutely NOT!!! Why you ask, would I put myself on the line and become so vulnerable to know that rejection is literally right around the corner. Well, it's simple really, I'll never know if that ONE person will be there if I don't share who I really am. I'm a very intense, high energy, complex, loving, caring, kind hearted, generous and courageous woman who will move mountains for those she loves, as well as go on adventures, take risks and do pretty much what most humans won't to see what's on the other side. I'm a great person who knows herself and also loves herself enough to know that she makes multiple mistakes and is still learning how to live this journey called life. I've got a long ways to go, but one thing I won't do is REGRET!! EVER!!!
I know that in my heart, that I deserve the world and that I deserve to happy, joyous and free. I know that God will take care of me and I also know that even though as much as I want it to be MY time now, it's not. It's not time for me to settle down with an individual yet, for God's prepping the right one. HE needs alot of work ya know, because I'm a blasted handful and if we're ever going to make it through eternity, He's going to need tools most men don't have.
Tonight, I've sent out multiple messages to those that had my heart at one time or another to let them know that I'm happy that they were able to receive the love that they deserved. I'm able to reach out to each and everyone of them and wish them the best. I'm able to know that they were not meant for me, but were put in my path to help me realize that there's good men out there still and that when the one shows up in my life, I'll know how to piece it all together and make it work at that time.
I'm not a very patient girl, however, I'm a faithful one that believes in God and God's timing is what's important, not mine. All I need to do with my time is to make sure that I'm living in this moment and to enjoy it, for it will be gone in the next. All we have is the NOW and the NOW is what we need to make the best of the best!!!
So, here's to waiting longer... Staying openminded and willing and also honest to myself as the path forward is nothing but greatness with some growth.
Tonight, I've sent out multiple messages to those that had my heart at one time or another to let them know that I'm happy that they were able to receive the love that they deserved. I'm able to reach out to each and everyone of them and wish them the best. I'm able to know that they were not meant for me, but were put in my path to help me realize that there's good men out there still and that when the one shows up in my life, I'll know how to piece it all together and make it work at that time.
I'm not a very patient girl, however, I'm a faithful one that believes in God and God's timing is what's important, not mine. All I need to do with my time is to make sure that I'm living in this moment and to enjoy it, for it will be gone in the next. All we have is the NOW and the NOW is what we need to make the best of the best!!!
So, here's to waiting longer... Staying openminded and willing and also honest to myself as the path forward is nothing but greatness with some growth.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
THANK YOU to the social media world!!!
This blog post goes out to all of you that I've met over the last 7 years through social media!!!
For without you, I'd not be who I am today!!!
For without you, I'd not be who I am today!!!
I've not only had multiple occasions to meet new friends, make new friends, gain some enemies, learn about so many people and their families, learn about myself, meet companies, create and live opportunities, experience phenomenal experiences and so much more, I've been gifted with those following me to help me get back on my feet after having had gone through a horrible time in my life!!!
If it weren't for all of you, I'd not be able to say that next week we will be moving into our new home, with the entire 80% furnished, all of the things we need provided and so much more!! Nor would I be able to say that I was able to share my experience, strength and HOPE over and over with the world!!!
This is simply a THANK YOU for following me, my story and also for all the support ( or not ) that you've given me for almost a decade!!!
Now, back to it and MAKE your WORLD ROCK 100%!!!!!
#OnwardToEPIC #MommaLori #MakesItHappen
If it weren't for all of you, I'd not be able to say that next week we will be moving into our new home, with the entire 80% furnished, all of the things we need provided and so much more!! Nor would I be able to say that I was able to share my experience, strength and HOPE over and over with the world!!!
This is simply a THANK YOU for following me, my story and also for all the support ( or not ) that you've given me for almost a decade!!!
Now, back to it and MAKE your WORLD ROCK 100%!!!!!
#OnwardToEPIC #MommaLori #MakesItHappen
What it feels like to 'like' someone at 39
As I watched you, you looked so lonely over there across the
room, watching your daughter. You stood as though someone was coming at you and
you didn’t want them to get through your guard. You corresponded to others, but
you never let down that wall. You held yourself so poised and yet so distant from the rest, though you had every reason to be there as the rest of us.
You watched your daughter with nothing but the utmost
attention to every simple detail in her moves. You showed the reason you were there and that was for her and to see her perform, nothing more. You were there to be a father and support your baby girl.
I’d seen you before in the store and I thought I had seen
you before somewhere and then that day that you were at my register, as I
looked into your beautiful blue eyes, you were revealed to me through the
system. As I shared my enthusiasm as to whose father you were, you were nothing
but humble, yet your smile gave it all away. It was then that I knew that I
wanted to know more. I wanted to know why you held yourself like you had and
why was it that you were so alone at the events, where you were as welcome as
the rest of us.
It wasn’t until you returned and caught me off guard, where
I really began to wonder if that would ever become possible, to get to know you
more in depth. Yet, it was when you asked if you could show me how to do
something that I wasn’t aware of and I had to battle in my head to allow you to
do so. Even as much as I knew I could figure it out, I wanted nothing but for
you to ask me that over and over again. It was in that moment that I realized
that I was missing that in my life, where someone recognized that I was
struggling and yet offered to help me without me having to ask. It was in that
moment that my vulnerability was recognized and after that moment, I’ve not
stopped listening and watching your world.
Every time we’ve spoken or encountered each other, it’s not
the same attraction I have to you as I’ve had to others in my life. It’s
deeper, it’s something different. I don’t look for the butterflies, or the
outsides attributes, I’m more interested in the inside of you. I want to know
what makes you tick, what you like to do, or how you like your coffee, or if
you even like coffee. I want to know what you listen to when you are traveling
from one space to another. I want to know what you’d like to do and what it is
that you enjoy doing. I want to know …. So much more about you.
As I watched you make sure that she was tended too, when you
sat next to her, you looked so preoccupied and your wall was back again. You
sat so stiff and unrelaxed, you didn’t smile much nor did you let down the guard
that was held around you, yet you tried to always make sure she was shown love.
You made sure that she went first, was dropped off while you parked the car and
always showing the gentleman in you towards her.
Than that day that you made sure that I didn’t leave behind something that was important to me, that day, you created an obsession in my mind …. Whatever it is that makes you tick, is what I want more of in my life. I want someone to always be there to make sure that I shut off the lights, that I don’t forget to lock the door, to help me remember the kids events, to help me with directions, to help me ….
Than that day that you made sure that I didn’t leave behind something that was important to me, that day, you created an obsession in my mind …. Whatever it is that makes you tick, is what I want more of in my life. I want someone to always be there to make sure that I shut off the lights, that I don’t forget to lock the door, to help me remember the kids events, to help me with directions, to help me ….
Now, I’m acting like a high schooler that can’t seem to
shake you off of my mind, and when I do, there you are all over again!!
Maybe I’m supposed to
ride this ride to remember what it’s like to really enjoy the infatuation of a
male that is desirable to other women and someone that would actually love me
back, verses all the opposing options in the world. Maybe you are in my life to
remind me of HOPE and that men like you do still exist and you are still
around. Maybe I’m outta my mind and everything that I’ve seen, felt and enjoyed
this far is all a dream and part of my own little fantasy.
Either way, all I really want is for you to ask me how my day is and if I’d like to go out for a cup of coffee and an adventure, with you, where all we do is laugh and giggle like two teenagers and nothing but that moment matters.
*Funny, as I write this I’m sitting here as a blubbering mess, for I’m not sure if what I yearn is actually attainable, for someone like me. It’s never been in my life an honestly, I’m not sure it’s possible to attain in my life. I do know however, that no matter how much I yearn for someone to just like me for me and want nothing but me in their lives, is something that I’ve wanted since I was a very young girl who only wanted to be nothing but loved.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Change your thoughts
The other evening I sat in a meeting and I listened.
That was it. I just listened and I watched the newcomers.
As I sat there and encountered their movements, thoughts and the comments they made, I was reminded of what it used to be like and how hard it was to sit with myself and my thoughts in one setting. I was reminded of how far I'd come from where I was even 5 years ago. I was reminded of the negativity and horrible messages that I had learned over the years and ingrained into my own mind which in turn affected my soul. Which in turn, taught me how to dislike myself even more than I had over the years.
I was enlightened on how hard I've worked over the past few decades on learning to love myself and also how I'd like to be treated, turning all of that around and becoming that in my own mind. It was incredible to see and to watch and also to realize.
I'm not sure how many people have changed their thought processes in their journeys here on earth or how many people have taken the messages that they had ingrained into their thick skulls and turned them around into love verses hatred. However, those that have and have taught me to do so, I'm utterly and eternally grateful. For the simple fact that today, I can honestly say that I love myself and not in an egotistical way, but yet a confident and independent mannerism.
Which in turn, allows myself to only surround myself with those that feel and show the same affections in their lives.
Thank you to all of you who inspired me over the years and to those of you still trying to turn the old messages into new ones, keep on and never give up.
It does happen.
Love yourself for it's you who will end up with you in the end.
#MommaLori #MakesItHappen #OnwardToEPIC
That was it. I just listened and I watched the newcomers.
As I sat there and encountered their movements, thoughts and the comments they made, I was reminded of what it used to be like and how hard it was to sit with myself and my thoughts in one setting. I was reminded of how far I'd come from where I was even 5 years ago. I was reminded of the negativity and horrible messages that I had learned over the years and ingrained into my own mind which in turn affected my soul. Which in turn, taught me how to dislike myself even more than I had over the years.
I was enlightened on how hard I've worked over the past few decades on learning to love myself and also how I'd like to be treated, turning all of that around and becoming that in my own mind. It was incredible to see and to watch and also to realize.
I'm not sure how many people have changed their thought processes in their journeys here on earth or how many people have taken the messages that they had ingrained into their thick skulls and turned them around into love verses hatred. However, those that have and have taught me to do so, I'm utterly and eternally grateful. For the simple fact that today, I can honestly say that I love myself and not in an egotistical way, but yet a confident and independent mannerism.
Which in turn, allows myself to only surround myself with those that feel and show the same affections in their lives.
Thank you to all of you who inspired me over the years and to those of you still trying to turn the old messages into new ones, keep on and never give up.
It does happen.
Love yourself for it's you who will end up with you in the end.
#MommaLori #MakesItHappen #OnwardToEPIC
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