When the Children Cry

When I was little, music was the only thing that I ever really felt connected too. For it was always there and I could always find a way to sink into it. It was like it was telling my story through the lyrics and the rhythm. It was as though, they knew, they knew exactly what I was going through. As though, they'd been there, or they were there. When I would listen to the '80's music, it hit home.

There were so many songs that all of those bands would sing, however, there were many that stayed with me. The one named: (When the Children Cry by White Lion) I was there - and it's all I wanted was to be able to change the world and do things differently. I didn't want any more children to cry, like I had to, alone, scared and fearful of the next moments in life. All I wanted was things to get better and that I knew that there had to be a way to do so.

Funny thing is --

Lately I've spoken to alot of childhood friends and people that watched my brother and sister grow and no one ever thought we'd make it to where we are today. It was like, literally,  all the odds were against us. Yet, You see -- We did it!! We made the CHANGE!! We are a success from where we came from and through it all, we've learned how to apply the ways we lived into a completely different way. In a way that will impact the world and make a difference.


So if you didn't have any HOPE before, hopefully, this allows for some.

For today, we, my siblings and I, represent a song such as (We ARE the Champions by Queen) !!!

When you fight battles you had no idea how to and you allow yourself to take those wins with  you every single day and you apply the lessons learned, turn things around 100%, you then become a success. For you see, each and everyone of us walk through battles, it's what we do with them in the end that matter most. By choosing to do good, move forward in Faith and do the next 'right' thing, you will succeed.

YOU MATTER 

YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE 

YOU CAN BE THE CHANGE 

MAKE A DIFFERENCE 

"Don't Leave Before the Miracle Occurs"

I honestly believe that we are given an idea for a reason. I also believe that we are given a passion for a reason. Some of us have different ideas and passions. Some of us are able to put both of them in a very small box inside and let them sit there and never escape. Some of us are OK with allowing them to show through a little here and a little there. Then there are those of us that need to follow through and make these ideas and passion work.  That’s who I am. I’m someone who’s had dreams her whole life and allowed them to be pushed aside, until I realized that there’s only one day to live and that day is today. I was blessed to have been given a glimpse of death, multiple times, as well as watching others put their loved ones into the ground. I was blessed to be robbed of all the ones that I thought loved me, and to feel the emptiness that accompanies the grief that one needs to feel from loss. I was blessed to feel all of these awful feelings, to bring me to the simple fact that we only have today to live.

“We have to make the lives we are to live, the fullest we are able to with what we have. We have to take risks and we need to follow our hearts and the passions we are given or that we find. We have to move forward with what we were given in order to become who we are meant to be.” It’s what I’ve been told for years, through multiple channels and multiple leaders and those that I’ve looked up too. It’s what’s been drilled into my mind for years now and today, I’m living this.

As I sat in the coffee shop today, I was reminded of what was shared on Saturday night, when I received my 20 year medallion. A friend of mine shared: “Lori, you are an inspiration, as you are showing us how to live outside of these rooms. You are following your dreams and doing what you feel as though is your path. You are showing us a new way of life, by applying these principles, one day at a time.”

I was honored to be interviewed today on a dream that has formed into a business. I was able to share with the journalist how I created this new agency and what the reasons behind it were. I was able to share the ideas and the business plan behind it as well. I was able to shed light, on what she thought was something completely different then what I sharing. I was able to be offered up a chance to share with the local world what the business is all about and how it will help others in their lives today. I was able to remind myself what I’m building is worth every moment of sleepless nights and all the effort and time I’ve spent creating this entity.

I also shared with her how extremely lonely this venture is and how one needs to realize that in order to create the lives they would like to live, they need to be willing to literally give up everything in order to make it become something solid. One needs to have courage, confidence, strength and faith to continue on each day, for there’s so many times that you feel completely defeated, or alone and you are beaten down by those you’d wish were the exact ones that were supporting you. One needs to know that faith is believing in the first step and not worrying about the entire staircase.

I was told that the idea was placed in my head for a reason and the rest of it doesn’t matter. All I need to do is make that idea become reality and the rest of it will work out. There’s not a day that goes by at this point in my life, that I don’t shed a tear, hold either my children or teddy bear and look up at the skies and ask the heavens above to help me through this that moment. There’s not a moment where I don’t want nothing more than to be held and told that this is the right path and you are doing a great thing, all of this will work out and you will be more then OK. There’s not a day that I don’t continue to check in and ask my H.P. if what I’m doing is the right thing or am I completely off track and I’m reminded, very gently and quietly: “Don’t Quit Lori”

Have you ever been so afraid that you don’t even know how you take the next steps? Have you ever wanted to just crawl into a little ball and not move for days? Have you ever been so confident that what you are doing at this very moment is the exact thing you are supposed to be doing, yet you have so much fear of the unknown that you listen to the path that you’ve always wanted and trust the process?

The universe continues to open up opportunities for me and I continue to take them, even the smaller ones, to prove to myself that I’m not wrong and that I’m headed on the right path and that with every ounce of faith that I have is being utilized to keep moving forward. The people that believed have lingered away and there stands only a few. The people that never believed have begun to try to create stronger ripples to shut me down. The ones that I’ve allowed close to me, are but two or three.

The path I’m on is very, very lonely. Only showing me that I’m doing the right things, for people only hand out when they are able to see the future and are comfortable. Those that do not understand risk, allow the unknown or are OK with whatever occurs in this world, are not on my path any longer. Which is OK. It’s just difficult, lonely and hard…it doesn’t mean that were I’m going isn’t exactly where I want to be, it means that this is the part where we wait for the miracles from all the footwork and we don’t give up, because we are on the brink of something completely EPIC.

If you give up – you will never know if it was possible or not. Do NOT leave before the miracle occurs. 

Thank you for this Moment ( 20 years of complete abstinence )

"Faith is...taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" (MLK) 

On April 22, 1995,  not one soul could have told me where I would've ended up nor would a soul have ever told me that I would be writing this 20 years later and sharing with you that I've not chosen to pick a single drop of alcohol or a mind altering chemical and that I've successfully worked a program of recovery for one day at a time to celebrate this day!!

Before I begin my list of THANK YOU's -- >> My HP is my first one and you'll read that, however, my entire life today is all due to the two little angels that I was blessed with. For you see, when I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was to have what other children had, the love that they had from others and those that were in my life, were to busy to show that to me. So, as I grew, I yearned for children of my own. My HP knew, absolutely KNEW, when to place these two beautiful angels in my life. Without you, Leah and Dylan, I'd NEVER Had been the woman  you see today!!! For without you, I'd given up, wrecked, ruined and absolutely torn apart multiple lives, if it were not for you and what I yearn for in your lives. You, yes, you simple two beautiful beings, give me HOPE and show me EVERY SINGLE day that I'm beyond blessed to be able to be called your mother. THANK YOU for appearing in my life, for you are definitely gifts and I'll NEVER take you for granted!!!!

First off, I need to thank my higher power. Who has changed many times since I woke up that day, who had strengthened me more times then a human can count, who has always been there, who knows that no matter what I'm faced with I'll make it through, for with Faith as small as a mustard seed ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE and mountains are moved.

Second off, I need to thank my father, sister and brother for driving me to Granite Falls that day, in 1995. I'm not sure how hard it was for you to drop me off only with a small glimpse of hope that I'd get better. I need to thank my brother for sharing that he wanted his big sister to get better. I need to thank my grandmother for coming to my family group session with my siblings, three months later and telling me I couldn't go home with her. These individuals, they saved my life. They have no idea, how much they mean to me or how much of what they did, impacted not only my life, but so many others due to their willingness to help change my life.

Third off, all the people that have touched my life in one way or another, I'm grateful for you. I'll always be grateful for you, you helped me to become me. Not one of you, probably you reading this right now,  had something to do with who I am today and for you, I'm grateful!!

Fourth off, for all the mistakes I've made and for all those that I'm going to make, I'm grateful. For without each and every one of these, I'd not be near to the woman I am today. Courageous, boastful, independent, stubborn, and all the rest stem from my mistakes and I'm utterly grateful I made them.

Fifth off, the twelve steps and traditions, for without these I'd be lost with how to live life. I'll continue to apply these to my life, 24 hours a day, and hopefully teach others how to apply these.

The list goes on and on and on .... yet, this day, this moment, this NOW is so freak'n phenomenal for this old drug addict who knew nothing other then manipulation, rationalization, fear, hurt, anguish, pain, misery, doubt, negativity, numbness, evil, death and so much more to now that the world is full of everything other then those only if we are willing to work for them!!! The sun is able to shine every day, if you allow it too. For the sun never sets, we only allow the clouds to fill in and stop the rays.

ALWAYS BELIEVE 

We only have one life to live
Climb the Mountains
Run the Hills
Swim the  Oceans
See the World
Breath as though it's Your Last BREATH
NEVER EVER GIVE UP

I'll always know that:

Yesterday is GONE
Tomorrow may never ARRIVE
TODAY IS THE GIFT 

~~ To those that have passed from the disease of addiction  and alcoholism, to those that have passed without rhyme or reasons, to those that have passed from disease or sickness, for those who have passed.. May you RIP and May you always help those of here on this journey as we look up to the angels to carry us through the hard times and allow us to fly through the good ones ~~ 

It's Time To Shine

Tic Toc
Tic Toc
Tic Toc

The clock's third hand shares with me, reminding me of this moment.

Tic Toc
Tic Toc
Tic Toc

The bunched up and used Kleenex remind me, of the tears during the moment.

Tic Toc
Tic Toc
Tic Toc

The silence reminds me, how extremely hard I've worked to get to this exact moment.

Tic Toc
Tic Toc
Tic Toc

The moment, this moment, is exactly where I'm suppose to be today. Who I was meant to be. The woman that I had always wanted in  my life while I grew up. This moment is the NOW and this moment is mine. This moment is what I know is REAL. This moment is the way I've lived the past 20 years. This moment, This very moment, Is ALL I have.

This moment, particularly, is a Friday evening. A very quiet Friday evening. There's been MANY of these in the past 20 years. There's been many kleenex's used. There's been many prayers, many meditations, many feelings,  during these moments. There's been ALOT of exceptional  growth in these moments.

During  these moments, I've made some major decisions. Not alone, as my Higher Power was always there with me, reminded me, that today, Lori, you awoke. There's a reason and tomorrow,  you will see why. There's always been the next morning, knowing that no matter what happened, it was always going to be OK.There's the lack of moments where I didn't believe, because I always had that small glimpse of that faith of a mustard seed. For, faith without works is dead.

If I shared with you what I had always yearned, all of these moments, alone with my Higher Power,  was to not be alone. To be accompanied by someone who loved me as much as I loved them, to know that no matter if that Tic Toc Silence was there, they were there because they wanted to be, not because they had to be. That's what I've always yearned and longed for.

If I shared with you that I had absolutely NO fear, making the hardest decisions of my life, while sitting alone, I'd be lieing. For I've faced the fear feeling, almost my entire life. From the abuse, the pain, the loneliness and the misery, I've always had a fear that was present. Yet, I've also had that mustard seed of faith. For, I always wake up, which in my mind is telling me that I'm not done yet. I've got more to do while I'm here.

This Friday Night Moments are different.
This Friday Night Moments are not those of sadness, they are ones of realizations. For you see, it's time. It's MY TIME. I've worked hard the past 20 years, I've given my time, I've given my desires and wants up, I've been extremely unselfish, making mistakes along the way, yet usually the path was always filled up with goodness and the road was bumpy, yet always taking into consideration unconditional love for whomever was in my path. I've given up ALOT.

Now is my time to shine.

This is the moment that I realize that the past is the past and I'm who I am because of it.
This is the moment where I can see clearly that the moment is literally distinguishing my past from my future.
This is the moment where I'm able to know that the Spiritual Experience that is prevailing in me at this very second, is the beginning of my new life.
This is the moment that my best friend has always been talking about:

My Next Chapter.

It's finally the time of the story where all the goodness and success comes flowing in.
It's finally the time of this journey where you will not only see the rewards,  you will watch the flower blossom and smell amazing wonderful, you will be able to watch the caterpillar turn into that beautiful butterfly, you will be able to see that when I shared about the impossible being possible is nothing shy of the TRUTH.

It's Time To Let Go Of all of my PAST
All to
Start My New Beginnings

Twenty Years ago, a phenomenal woman, my grandmother, turned to me and, with tears in her eyes,  shared with me in front of a group of people, my siblings and my counselors, that I couldn't go home with her. She shared that I needed to listen to all their suggestions. She shared that I needed to go to where they knew was good for me.
To this VERY day, my grandmother will share with you that at that very moment, sharing that very suggestion with me, was one of the hardest days of  her life. For you see, my grandmother acted off of FAITH and HOPE that her eldest grandchild would go away and learn how to live differently.

What my grandmother has seen, is that, it WORKED!!!!!!

I'll ALWAYS be utterly grateful for that woman and that God knew, He knew, exactly what he was doing and we ALL listened. It was my time to work on who I was going to be today. He knew that I had to go through everything that I had, feel it, live it, learn from it, all so that today, I can start a new beginning and do what I'm meant to do. He knew that with this plan,  I'd become a wonderful woman who would, by chance, change the world one small step at a time.

You see, my journey is on it's way to my ultimate dream, which is to mimic a great man named Martin Luther King Jr and help others by sharing with those who are willing to change, my experience, strength and hope. All the while, living to help others through all my trials and tribulations. My path is now beginning to get to where my dreams will take me and now it's time to reap the rewards to make a solid path to create just that and nothing less.

In less then one week, I will celebrate my 20th anniversary in recovery and Its not one minute short of where I'm suppose to be.  There's nothing in my world that comes easily, nor is there nothing in my world that is given to me, it's all from hard work, intense feelings and experiences that have created who I am today. I'm  convinced that my passion is to help others through my life's experiences and I've nothing but FAITH and HOPE that this it.

This is my time to shine. 

*Good Bye Lonely Friday Nights

*Good Bye Bunched up Kleenexes 

*Good Bye to the Past and My Arms Ready for the Future

Gratitude is Attitude and Attitude is Gratitude 

~~ Bless your souls Great Grama, Great Grampa, Kitty, Aunt Nancy, Grampa George, Sweet Brittney and Good Ole Uncle Donny.... for you are my guardian angels and without you watching over me and my children, I'd never had made it this far. I'll always be grateful for allowing me to fly and soar through it all, with the bumps and bruises, yet always picking me back up when I was to weak ~~

DON'T QUIT 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are -

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

#NewBeginnings #LettingGo #NewChapter #NeverQuit #MommaLori #MakesitHappen #OnwardtoEPIC