Answered Prayer

As I rolled over today, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I knew that I had another hard day in front of me, full of decisions and actions that I knew may rip at my heart, yet again. As I laid my head down, last night, I had to face the fact that the man that I had fallen for last year had made the final decision to move on. I removed him from my social media so that I didn't find myself sitting in misery and putting in the self preservation mode and helping myself to move forward. It hurt to see and hard to accept. It wasn't that I didn't think he'd move on, it was that I held hope that he'd turn around and decide he wanted me back. It was around 3 AM that I had finally decided to close my eyes to the world I'd created.

The sunshine tried it hardest to awaken me, yet it was my son that finally got me out of bed for the day, for he needed help with breakfast and wanted to know Mom was O.K. and so the day began. After I helped him with what was needed, I went to my usual spot to say a prayer or twenty and shed some tears. For moving forward now, is harder then ever, because many have left,  not much is left and I'm realizing that I'm the one left with God to make the decisions for the small family that I have. All the while, realizing that I needed to shake it off and not allow myself to dive deep into to the depth of despair and pity, for even though life hits me hard, I always get back up. This time shall be no different, yet the direction isn't as clear as I would have wished, it's no different.

My eyes carry some heavy bags under them, from lack of sleep, heavy burdens of the finances, concerns about my business and dreams and the messed up nutrition as well as lack of fitness. My heart aches to be held and told it's going to be O.K.. My body aches from lack of well being. My soul yearns to rest and cries for happiness. My world has been rocked, shaken and thrown around, yet again. The human is only allowed so much before they break and that breaking part is nearer then I'd like to admit at times, however, my faith in my higher power is strong then any evils that are doing their damnedest to break me.

At times I sit and day dream of a wonderful feeling of happiness where I'm in a happy healthy relationship where the kids and I only know laughter, happiness and the excitement to awaken to a wonderful life with out the stresses - the reality of life is no where near this. However, my children are happy, healthy children that know more of life then most children their age. Which is a great thing in my mind, for they live a very good life, compared to many children with a single mother.

I don't sit in pity nor do I choose to utilize the reality of where I am to take for granted the programs that are out there to help others. However, at times I'm realizing I need to ask for them. Which I did this past week and will do again the following week. Though, reality is I'm in a very tough spot and I have to humble myself and ask for alot of help!!


This morning I cried and got very angry with God. I shared with him that I've listened to him and done exactly what I've been told as well as what I honestly believe I'm suppose to be doing. I prayed that he show me something to help me believe that I'm on the right track, for this is the hardest track I've yet to have traveled!! I shared with him how upset I am that I'm still sitting where I am after all these years of heartache, pain and suffering. I shared with him that I'm ready to quit and I see no reason to keep living like this. I shared with him how confused I am at where I am in reality when I've done the footwork. I shared. I cried.

My phone rang from a very important person in  my life today, my landlord.  I was super scared, because I don't have the answers right now and I've had to humble myself to ask for help from those I never imagined I'd ever have to ask. I asked for prayers as we began the call.

The complete opposite occured then what I had imagined.

He was willing to work with me to help me.

I asked him if they had any openings on their staff so that I could ensure somewhere for the children and I to live. He's getting me an application on Monday.

He has every right to evict me.
He didn't need to help me find work.

I don't know how to explain this to you, other then, my prayers were answered today. You see, I have nothing left to give to anyone other then my hands to work and my experience, knowledge and wisdom of where I've been. I don't have an education. I don't have capital for my business. I don't have family that can help me. I don't have a spouse to save me. I don't have anything left, other then:

God

You see, I believe in myself and I believe in what I'm building for a business. Most don't. Most don't believe in my business. Most don't believe I'm  able to make it. Most wouldn't ever even bare to challenge themselves to this level.

However, I'll never harm my children or myself. I'll never put us in a harmful situation, without knowing that we will be safe. I'll always ask for help prior to leaving us with completely empty hands. Even when no one else will help us, God will. He will provide for us. For you see, when you are a good person, who does good things, agrees that there's mistakes made, yet continues to move forward with your dreams and challenges, you are rewarded.

You may not see the rewards.
You may think I need to get a full time job.
You may judge me.
You may not like how I'm choosing to live.

You need to know:

I am me
You are you

God loves us all - for he has no grandchildren

I cried for an hour after that phone call. Many people have helped me out lately, more then they would ever 'need' too, however, they believe in me, just as much as I believe in myself. I may not have a pot of gold, I have a heart of gold, a strong will to do different and a VERY powerful God with insurance tucked away from all my experiences. I won't give up, I won't quit and I will persevere, for if there's anything in this life I've learned is that the strong only win by surrendering.

"Faith without works is DEAD"

If you'd like to help us, here's a way:

https://fundly.com/onward-to-epic-through-a-dream#gallery/2

You're a vessel

There's a voice inside all of us and it's up to us to listen to it.

There's a place I go to cry as I continue to hear this voice and what it continues to share with me.

There's a time when I tell it to stop.

There's a time where when I need to hear it so clearly, it's no longer there, for I know now that I'm doing exactly what I was suppose to do. There's a time where I don't have to go to my favorite places to cry. There's a time when I don't have to tell it to stop.

Today a voice inside me tells me that I'm on track.
Today a voice inside me tells me that I'm no longer lost.
Today a voice inside me tells me that I'm now the vessel I was meant to be.
Today a voice comforts me for today I know that by listening to the voice inside me and following that voice, my heart and all that I believe in, the miracles will now begin to flow.

I was taught for years, that we know the answers, we just choose to not listen to them.
I was taught to not leave before the miracle occurs.
I was taught that the experiences that I've gone through or will, are not for me, they are to help others
I was taught that we do not give up, especially when you believe in what you are doing, no matter how difficult it seems.
I was taught to follow through with my words.
I was taught to make sure to always use my manners.
I was taught to clean up my messes as soon as I'm able to.
I was taught to everything is temporary.
I was taught to love myself.
I was taught to unconditionally love everyone else.
I was taught to never doubt myself.
I was taught to listen to those that I trust and respect.
I was taught that there is a God and it's not ME.
I was taught that you are never alone.
I was taught that with faith come footwork.
I was taught that in order to show you I want differently, I have to live differently.
I was taught that you have to work very hard for what you would like in life.
I was taught that quick fixes will fix nothing quickly.
I was taught that you have everything you need at this moment.
I was taught that when you have nothing, you have everything.
I was taught that misery loves company.
I was taught that God has no Grandchildren.
I was taught that if you woke up today, you are here for a reason.
I was taught that you are not able to change others.
I was taught that no matter what happens, you'll live through  your feelings, for they are not meant to kill you, but help you to grow and become.
I was taught that if you don't like it, change it and if you can't change it, change YOU.

You see-- I was taught alot of things, which millions are not noted here, nor would I ever be able to share them all with you. However, what I am able to share with you is that all of the above work. I'm able to share with you that I'm finally fully connected. I'm able to tell you that I'm able to know and hear that I've finally tapped into what I'm doing here on this earth and that by doing so:

I'm a vessel.

It's my time to show the world what I'm here to do - it's not make money, it's not to make you happy, it's not to make things go away or even appear. It's my time to show you that the impossible is possible and with that I'm able to show you how to love yourself more then enough to make you successful in your own eyes. I'm able to make things happen and put things together as well as show you how to do the same. I'm able to make a difference in this world, on this journey with making things happen and through all of that I'm able to utilize all the tools that God gave me when I arrived, since I've been here and through every mistake I've made and will make.

It's my time to be the vessel I was prepared for.

As my journey continues to progress and my life turns into all the goodness  I've ever wished for in my life as well as all that I'd ever wished for my children appears, through hard work, dedication and a drive so deep, I'm able to share it with this world. Which in turn is everything I've ever wanted in this lifetime -- to help others to help themselves.

God has prepared me, God has weeded my garden, God has planted the seeds, allowed them to grow and now it's time for them to blossom into the beautiful, strong and confident plants that they were meant to be allowing the pollination occur to regrow the beauty.

The journey has been hard, trying, tiring and extremely difficult, yet priceless. For I am not who's past, I'm not who's coming and I'm not who I'd ever imagined I'd ever grow up to be. Today, I'm the woman I am because of everything I lived through and tomorrow I will spread the wealth.

One is not rich with outside possessions - One is rich only within with love and comfort of a full soul and a faith flowin over in their heart

By having nothing, you have everything to gain

THANK YOU to all who've stood beside me, to all who join this journey and to all that left my journey. THANK YOU for without each and everyone of you, I'd not be here today, to tell  you that I'm utterly grateful for every single moment I've lived in this life.

Today - I'm a Vessel
Yesterday is gone
Tomorrow is not promised

#BETHECHANGE
#ONWARDTOEPIC
#MommaLori will #MakeADifference

When you have nothing you have the ability to achieve EVERYTHING

The unknown is a very scary place for so many people! I lived there for so many years!! It wasn't until I lost nearly all, applied my entire experiences to what was in front of me, challenged myself by starting to exercise and become healthy, then to become a sponsored runner to achieving the ultimate for a runner,  a full marathon. Stepping it up a wee bit after an injury to a figure body builder and stepping on stage in my most vulnerable state and sharing all that I had worked for in front of a crowd of strangers. All the while working on myself and maintaining a recovery from alcohol and drugs through a total of 20 years, that I realized that the scariest place was the place that I was stuck!! 

When you go through all the losses that a human being can actually go through and survive them as well as come out above, you realize that there's nothing that's impossible to achieve. You come to a point in your life, when waking up in the morning is the BEST thing of them all!! There's nothing else that's really more important than those that stand next to you while you go through it all and awaking to another day. That's it. That's all you NEED. The rest is just extras!! 

This year, I've become more in tune with myself then I've ever been!! Due to the simple fact that all I literally had was my children and myself. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less. That was it in entirety and it's been enough.

There's nothing left to lose. That's it. It's down to nothing. The only thing left is to achieve the impossible. The only way is UP. The only thing left to so is to succeed.

For you see, I don't give up and when you put two children in front of me that rely on me day in and day out, not only for their clothes, a roof over their head, food in the fridge, they also want me to be there when they get home from their adventures, they want me to be there to hear them after they have a bad day, they want me to be there to make it feel better, they want me to experience their every moments in their lives. They want nothing more then for me to love them, every single moment of every day. They don't need materialistic items, they don't need nice clothes, they don't need vacations, they don't need to have nothing but to know that they are LOVED.










When I was laid off last year from IBM after almost 16 years, after I lost my baby cousin, after I put down our family dog, after I lived sober through a hard divorce, after I lived through losing a home from foreclosure and bankruptcy, I made a decision.

I'm living every day one day at a time.
I'm living my dreams out as hard as it may be.
I'm living my life as I want to live it.
I'm living my life where I'm able to grow.
I'm living my life with whatever it is that is needed to LIVE.




I'm living.

It's that simple.

I'm living.


There's nothing left for me to lose and there's nothing left for me to do other then to achieve the impossible. There's nothing left for me other then to figure out the next obstacle with a positive move, even when it's the most negative situation I'm in. There's nothing left for me to do other then to take the risks and try to live my life the way I'd always dreamed.



The best part of all of this living is :

It'll never end up just as I dreamed, nope,  it's gonna be 100% more amazing and EPIC then I'd ever
imagined!! Yep -- 100%. Why is that, you may ask? Because I'm not in control. God's got this, all I need to do is be the vessel, carry the message and follow through with the footwork. For he's got my back and he KNOWS that I'm doing everything in my power to move forward. YES, I'm gonna make mistakes. YES, I'm gonna fail. YES, I'm gonna piss people off. YES, I'm gonna make some enemies. Yet, the end of this journey is going to be so amazing that it's gonna go down in history!! Not in my time, but in his.


With faith, footwork, love, patience, tolerance and much dedication, the future holds nothing but GREATNESS!!! #MommaLori #Depends #OnIt

Yearning a Hug of LOVE

After browsing through my pictures this evening, looking for something, yet not really knowing what it was that I was actually looking for, I realized something significant.

The top priorities in my life time have literally been my grandmother, my sister and my two beautiful  children. How do I know this? Well, if you browse my pictures, they are the ones that I hold the most. They are the ones that are always in the pictures, repeatedly, and allowing me to hold them.

What else I realized and how I'm feeling lately, is a void.

A void of the love that others have from others. I'm great at giving love and I'm great at affection towards others, even willing to give affection and attention to others. I'm able to give away what I want so badly in my life. I'm able to notice that in reality all I really want is to come home or even wake up to someone that wants to hold me as much as I want to hold them.

I'm not missing anyone, for all those that have been in my life are just that - the past. They are not someone that I held onto nor did I hold onto when I allowed them to hold me in their lives. Looking back on my life, I was really never 'held'. I usually was the one in the position that needed to hold others, to help them through. Maybe that's why I don't recall the feeling of being held in someone's arms or with their love.

There's a song that's become quite popular lately and it's really hitting home for me:

Girl Crush

The reason it's hitting home so much, is not due to the fact that someone is with someone else in my life, it's more of the simple fact that I'm very envious of all of those that have someone that loves them as much as they love them. I'm very envious of those that get to welcome home their significant  other each night when they return from work or their last destination. I'm envious of how they have the chance to call that other person to share with them the last moments. I'm envious of how they are able to have a conversation, agree to disagree, and yet when they look at each other they know that it was just that - a conversation. 

You know, sometimes I wonder if I've really been in LOVE. Not that I've not LOVED others, however I'm not sure that I've ever experienced that true love from someone else, in a significant other position. That's what I would like to experience. I would love to experience LOVE.

People see me as a driven, determined and dedicated woman. They see me as courageous, confident and full of an energy that they'd love to share. They see me as someone that goes after all that she's ever dreamed of or ever wanted, when in reality, it's all I know. I only know to work harder or seek out whats in my reach or ever over the rainbow. Yet, what I really want ...

Is to know LOVE

There's a saying:

"Treat others as you'd love to be treated"

I'll bring you into my world, I'll welcome you into my home and heart, I'll hold you when you cry, I'll be there when you're lonely, I'll teach you all that I know and I'll never let you go through anything alone.

This is what I yearn for from someone else. My heart has been sad and lonely for this my entire life. This is labeled as my life long dream.

A dream for :

A HUG

A LOVE

A FULL HEART

You see, God has me and I know that no matter where I go or what I work towards, he'll never let me go and I know that he's there every moment of my life. However, it would be nice if he'd show up in a form of a human, who doesn't want to leave my side when the waves get rough or the waves become so amazing that he's there to pick me up when they crash again.

They also say that you are usually not given what you'd wish for because there's so much more being built for you. They say that you are suppose to learn to love yourself, then God will place those people in your life. They say that you are suppose to wait for the great. They say that good things happen to good people. They say alot of different things, which I grab ahold and I utilize every day of my life.

Yet, how long does one work on themselves and how long does one allow the yearning for that HUG to show up before they break ??

All I really want in my life, is that HUG, that LOVE, that one that wants me as much as I want them and that they are as excited to wake up together as much as I am.

Until this happens, I'll continue to love myself and my children. I'll continue to work on my dreams and my faith, as well as continuing on becoming a better person so that when they do show up, I'll be ready for nothing but the HUG of LOVE and be able to never take it for granted.

Not one single moment.