The sunshine tried it hardest to awaken me, yet it was my son that finally got me out of bed for the day, for he needed help with breakfast and wanted to know Mom was O.K. and so the day began. After I helped him with what was needed, I went to my usual spot to say a prayer or twenty and shed some tears. For moving forward now, is harder then ever, because many have left, not much is left and I'm realizing that I'm the one left with God to make the decisions for the small family that I have. All the while, realizing that I needed to shake it off and not allow myself to dive deep into to the depth of despair and pity, for even though life hits me hard, I always get back up. This time shall be no different, yet the direction isn't as clear as I would have wished, it's no different.
My eyes carry some heavy bags under them, from lack of sleep, heavy burdens of the finances, concerns about my business and dreams and the messed up nutrition as well as lack of fitness. My heart aches to be held and told it's going to be O.K.. My body aches from lack of well being. My soul yearns to rest and cries for happiness. My world has been rocked, shaken and thrown around, yet again. The human is only allowed so much before they break and that breaking part is nearer then I'd like to admit at times, however, my faith in my higher power is strong then any evils that are doing their damnedest to break me.
At times I sit and day dream of a wonderful feeling of happiness where I'm in a happy healthy relationship where the kids and I only know laughter, happiness and the excitement to awaken to a wonderful life with out the stresses - the reality of life is no where near this. However, my children are happy, healthy children that know more of life then most children their age. Which is a great thing in my mind, for they live a very good life, compared to many children with a single mother.
I don't sit in pity nor do I choose to utilize the reality of where I am to take for granted the programs that are out there to help others. However, at times I'm realizing I need to ask for them. Which I did this past week and will do again the following week. Though, reality is I'm in a very tough spot and I have to humble myself and ask for alot of help!!
This morning I cried and got very angry with God. I shared with him that I've listened to him and done exactly what I've been told as well as what I honestly believe I'm suppose to be doing. I prayed that he show me something to help me believe that I'm on the right track, for this is the hardest track I've yet to have traveled!! I shared with him how upset I am that I'm still sitting where I am after all these years of heartache, pain and suffering. I shared with him that I'm ready to quit and I see no reason to keep living like this. I shared with him how confused I am at where I am in reality when I've done the footwork. I shared. I cried.
My phone rang from a very important person in my life today, my landlord. I was super scared, because I don't have the answers right now and I've had to humble myself to ask for help from those I never imagined I'd ever have to ask. I asked for prayers as we began the call.
The complete opposite occured then what I had imagined.
He was willing to work with me to help me.
I asked him if they had any openings on their staff so that I could ensure somewhere for the children and I to live. He's getting me an application on Monday.
He has every right to evict me.
He didn't need to help me find work.
I don't know how to explain this to you, other then, my prayers were answered today. You see, I have nothing left to give to anyone other then my hands to work and my experience, knowledge and wisdom of where I've been. I don't have an education. I don't have capital for my business. I don't have family that can help me. I don't have a spouse to save me. I don't have anything left, other then:
God
You see, I believe in myself and I believe in what I'm building for a business. Most don't. Most don't believe in my business. Most don't believe I'm able to make it. Most wouldn't ever even bare to challenge themselves to this level.
However, I'll never harm my children or myself. I'll never put us in a harmful situation, without knowing that we will be safe. I'll always ask for help prior to leaving us with completely empty hands. Even when no one else will help us, God will. He will provide for us. For you see, when you are a good person, who does good things, agrees that there's mistakes made, yet continues to move forward with your dreams and challenges, you are rewarded.
You may not see the rewards.
You may think I need to get a full time job.
You may judge me.
You may not like how I'm choosing to live.
You need to know:
I am me
You are you
God loves us all - for he has no grandchildren
I cried for an hour after that phone call. Many people have helped me out lately, more then they would ever 'need' too, however, they believe in me, just as much as I believe in myself. I may not have a pot of gold, I have a heart of gold, a strong will to do different and a VERY powerful God with insurance tucked away from all my experiences. I won't give up, I won't quit and I will persevere, for if there's anything in this life I've learned is that the strong only win by surrendering.
"Faith without works is DEAD"
If you'd like to help us, here's a way:
https://fundly.com/onward-to-epic-through-a-dream#gallery/2
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