As we speak, every day, all day long whether it's via messenger, phone calls or our short visits, you continue to open up to me and share with me all of you. You take all the doubts in my mind and throw them away. I don't have to ask you to do so, it's almost as though you know that it's possible that I'd ask you about the last few hours and instead you just simply share with me what you'd been doing. You back it up with pictures, posted without me knowing, cancelling out anything that I might question.
I don't know if you do it on purpose to prove that you are an honest person, or if it's simply who you are and you don't question it yourself. Although, it's important whether or not it's built into your soul and being. It's extremely important for me to know that you are what you indicate that you are. It's important to know that my trust isn't wasted on another individual.
My soul and trust has been through so much on my journey here on earth, that it's easy for doubt to set in. At times, it is even easier for the doubt to ride the negative wave and remember what happened, verses what is real. There's been people, men, that have hurt me over and over all my life. They've never given me a chance to trust them thoroughly. They've taken what I knew was comfort and turned it into a hell I don't particularly enjoy. They've thought that was their path to happiness, was also a path to a misery that I know all to well. With my temple and spirit knowing this path all so well, opening up becomes much harder and more sacred as the years go by.
As time passes, the risk of that hell surpasses the loneliness I meet each day. As the children grow and my dreams continue on, it's incredibly hard to grasp the reality that each night as I lay my head down, I'm alone with my higher power and no one else to share it with. I sit in the darkness and wonder if I'll ever have a chance like others to share my day with someone, other then my teddy bear who lays there still and has no response to my tears. Sometimes, it's as simple as knowing that someone else is there to share the good, bad and ugly with, that makes me want to surpass the risk of the hell that may appear once again.
They say that if you don't ever take the chance to love, love will never find you. They say that if you give up, you'll never know. They say that if you close the door and don't leave it open a sliver, nothing will ever get through. I don't want that - any of that. I don't want to leave this earth with out having known love again.
I like that you show me I'm on your mind.
I like knowing that you think of me through out the day.
I like knowing that you wonder what I mean when I say something you don't understand.
I like that you trust me with your daily redundancy.
I like that you let me know when you are upset, confused or happy.
I like that you pick on me.
I like that you are taking your time to get to know ME.
I like that you put me in my face, call me on my own shit and that you are not afraid to say it like it is
I like that you are just as stubborn as I am.
I like you... alot
As you drove back the other night, I sat there, thinking how great it felt to just be with someone who wanted to actually be with just me. It felt good to know that even if you aren't THAT into me, you at least like my company. Sometimes, I like to just sit and be... it's when I know that everything in that exact moment is just the way it's suppose to be and that no matter what nothing can take that moment from me, as it could end in the next. That's what those 20 minutes were. Moments that I enjoyed, captured and realized that I'm extremely fucking scared that it may end the next moment, but yet also engraving them into my soul. Engraving HOPE. Hope that the reality of not being alone forever, actually could happen and that the truth of the matter is....I have to let it.
I'm glad you drove that night, just like you said, sometimes I have to remember to get outta the drivers seat and let my higher power drive.
For what it's worth --thank you. Thank you for opening up your soul to me and to allow me to realize that there's still really good men out there and that it's possible to have one in my life. I'm grateful for you.
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