When I was younger, I wanted to help the world. Yet, what I
didn’t know was what the world held for me to conquer in order to do so.
Growing up was not the easiest thing for myself, my
childhood held many trials and tribulations, such as abuse, alcohol and drugs,
abandonment, parent’s divorce, and everything in between these situations. The
things I took from that lifestyle and experiences were how to be a better
person in my adulthood, all the while not realizing I was learning how ‘not’ to
be when I grew up.
When I was 18 years old, I had been using chemicals and
alcohol to numb everything in my life, for I had dropped out of high school at
16 yrs old never feeling a part of and always trying my hardest to fit into
everything I attempted. Drugs seemed to fill the voids, they numbed the
feelings and the lifestyle was exciting and adventurous, until I was in the
depths of a hell I never imagined. By the time I was 18, I’d sold my soul, body
and mind for my best friend: chemicals and I had lost everything and everyone
in my life that important. This is when I didn’t know what to do or how to go
on. I hit what is called the bottom.
I looked up to the heavens and asked for help, in whatever way it was meant to be sent to me. I then checked into treatment for alcohol and drugs, where I stayed a total of 9 months. During that time I was taught what I needed to begin my life over, as well as relocating to an area that had a new environment, forcing me to change my life, playmates and playgrounds.
I looked up to the heavens and asked for help, in whatever way it was meant to be sent to me. I then checked into treatment for alcohol and drugs, where I stayed a total of 9 months. During that time I was taught what I needed to begin my life over, as well as relocating to an area that had a new environment, forcing me to change my life, playmates and playgrounds.
I’ve been blessed to contain the past 18 years without any
chemicals or alcohol, through that change and all the tools that I was taught.
I constantly still apply them as well as do what is suggested, to maintain my
recovery. For without that, I’d not be able to share with you the next part of
my story. This way of life has taught me how to live, through everything, with
my higher power and support groups as well as the tools needed to do so.
The life that I was leading was the most amazing gift that I
had been granted and I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life, all the while
gaining confidence and trust in the community. I was employed by a very
respectful company. I was also gaining grounds learning how to facilitate and
organize larger functions through volunteering. I had also met the man of my
dreams and we married. Then shortly there after, we had two beautiful children
and also our own home, becoming part of a community for our family. This is
where I began to break.
I was taught that you were supposed to take care of your
family and hold them together, while I was growing up. What I forgot to apply
to this part of my life, was to put myself at the top of that list and continue
to work on myself and grow as a human, maintaining my recovery and enjoying life.
I began to get lost in doing for others what I wanted done for me, losing
myself. I became complacent in my recovery, I began to gamble, I quit going out
with my girlfriends, I started skipping the basics, lost contact with my higher
power. I had lost myself inside and the outsides began to show that. I was at
the heaviest I had ever been in my life, my marriage was miserable, my world
was crashing around me and I crept farther and farther into a lonely place,
surrounded by those that loved me, but couldn’t stand to be near me.
I was diagnosed with post partum depression after the birth
of my son and then misdiagnosed with Bi – Polar, put on medicines to ‘fix’
these problems. In turn, creating more of a mess within, for I knew that wasn’t
the problem, yet I went with this to ‘help’ me find me. By the time 2008 rolled
around, I was at my heaviest weight, 205 lbs, fighting with my husband
consistently, miserable in my own skin, the loneliest I’d felt in over a decade
and rotting from the insides out. I was holding a job and I was being a mother
and wife, all the while not knowing how to get ‘out’ of what was occurring
around me.
January of 2008, my husband was granted a ‘bonus’ cruise
from his company, so we took a vacation, hoping that this would ‘lighten’ our
lives. This is when we conceived our third child. When we found out in Feb. we
were pregnant we were ecstatic, hoping against all hope that this was the
beginning of the end of what was occurring around us.
We made an executive decision to claim bankruptcy to help us
with the financial burdens we’d brought upon ourselves.
A few weeks into the
bankruptcy, we had our first appt to check on the baby, but something was
completely off, as I’d gained enough weight to change into maternity clothes.
We went in thinking we had twins. We seen a heart beat with an in office ultra
sound, turning around to make an appt on the following Monday to double check
as my blood count was high. Monday came and the heart beat was gone. We’d lost
the baby. At this time we decided to complete a DNC.
We went back to work with the bankruptcy, hoping to keep our home. The banks did not agree with this, we ended up foreclosing.
We went back to work with the bankruptcy, hoping to keep our home. The banks did not agree with this, we ended up foreclosing.
We then received a call from the doctors, we didn’t have a
baby. The reason we lost the baby was due to the fact that it was a partial
Molar Pregnancy, which then lead to 6 months of testing on my blood, for if
that tissue were to grow back, I’d have to go through Chemo to tend to it.
In May, we went on a family vacation with family friends.
Here’s where my world took another turn. I saw my husband with another woman, a
family friend who was my personal attendant. I seen the connection that they
had and I was miserable and made sure that he was too. He was happy with her, I
was scared. I offered up a separation and after I said the words and felt them,
I withdrew that. When we returned home, a week later, he decided that was what
he wanted. He ended up leaving in June to the other woman. We tried to work
through our problems, for over 2 yrs, until I emotionally could not handle it
any longer and decided to completely let go and began the divorce.
Also in May of ’08, I hired a personal trainer. She was a
god sent, as I went to the chiropractor for migraines and seen her
advertisement. I knew that I had no clue where the family would be in near
future, so I called her. She took me under her wing and we began to work on my
outsides. We began with a 5 to 6 day per week circuit program, which I did out
of my home. After continuing to work with her until 2012, I’d dropped over 60
lbs, 50 inches and 21% body fat, from a size 16 pants to a size 4, all the
while maintaining to keep it off. In ’98 I was also diagnosed with a severe
case of syncope, in which they placed me on medicine that was taken 3 to 4 days
per week so that I did not encounter any episodes. My cholesterol was also
high, yet after all the work I’ve done with the exercise and nutrition changes,
I’ve not been on any medications, as I’ve been diagnosed the healthiest I’ve
ever been in my entire life.
By Oct of 2009, I was trained and had worked on my outsides
enough were I was ready to sign up for a half marathon. I chose to run in Long Beach California
I consistently work on myself inside and outside, I went
back to working the basics, following suggestions, working with my higher power
and doing everything that is needed to love me and continue to grow and find
me, as I believe it’s a process, but without working on me and continuing to
love myself, all the rest of it will be lost again. I also firmly believe in a
strong support group and community, I had chose to change my friends after the
separation, as so many of them were tied to the situation and it was hard to
deal with all the betrayal. I gained multiple new friends and acquaintances
through fitness and they all mean the world to myself, the kids and my future.
Those two beautiful children are growing up in a healthy,
fit and safe environment by both of us parents, while we civilly and mutual
raise them to be the best little people they are able to be. I’m working to become
what I’ve always wanted to be: a Motivational Speaker. I workout 6 days per
week and have my priorities in line with my dreams and goals as well as my
children’s. Nutrition is priority in my way of life, all of it begins in the
kitchen.
Life on life’s terms is not easy, but with the footwork,
faith and love, it’s all more then worth it. Life is a journey that I’m
enjoying through the small hills and bumps that are thrown my way. Faith
without works is dead. The only step I need to focus on is: The first one, I
don’t need to see the entire staircase.
No comments:
Post a Comment