Letting go isn't easy and no one ever said it had to be

It’s a dream.
There’s no way this is real.

We both thought it, shared it and he’d continue to tell me that it wasn’t a dream. He would say: “Lori this is real. I’m real. This is not a dream.” He would look at me and smile, I didn’t have someone look at me like that for years and it felt so good. I’d tell him not to smile at me like that and he’d ask me, like what?

As we stopped at a grocery store, my first visit, he threw me over his shoulder and acted like a complete kid in a candy store. It was as though we were high schoolers, only better, because we knew right from wrong and yet we allowed it to all just flow. We were even walking through the store, trying to figure out what to grab to eat and I was oblivious having had been on a body builders diet, as to what to grab to eat. He asked me, what do you want, what in this store would you eat if you could? I told him that I’d love some Gushers and Pizza. He threw them in the cart.  As we passed some chocolates, I stopped and stared at them, they were dark chocolate covered caramels with sea salt. He told me that he adored them as well and we walked away. To my surprise, he had a whole bucket of them at his house, which he fed to me later that night.

There’s so many memories to let go of and to feel. Sleep doesn’t come easy now, nor does eating or getting things done that need to be. I don’t get outta bed early when I don’t have prior obligations. I hate facing the world to tell them that he chose to walk away, not because they don’t deserve to know, but because I don’t want to move on!!!

I took a chance, a risk, to love again. Did I do it the ‘right’ way, probably not, but it was what my heart told me. I didn’t stop my heart from loving him.  I didn’t stop the world from letting it happen. I went with the eb and flow. I was able to live a dream that hardly any woman really knows. I’ll be able to write a novel from the ‘first’ moments we experienced. I don’t regret what happened, I don’t regret one minute. Would I have done a few things differently, not entirely sure, because I was real with him and I honestly believe that he was honest with me. I’d never been so comfortable with any man that fast in my entire life. What we had was in the cards and it was EPIC.

Letting go is a very hard process. There’s many levels to it and I previously wrote of acceptance, yet there forgiveness, anger, sadness and many more emotions that go with this process. Unfortunately, just like creating something wonderful with someone takes a life time, letting go takes time as well. Today, it’s not an easy process. Not when he’s on my mind every moment of every day. The memories of him and what he brought to my world, are not leaving my soul easily and honestly, I jump when I hear the door or the phone. Only hoping that maybe, just maybe, my dream didn’t have to end so soon.

A break up won’t kill you.
A break up isn’t easy.
A break up is a part of life.
A break up is real.
A break up will make you stronger.

A break up shows you how to handle the end of something, a lesson.

A break up will allow you to grow and become more.

The next man in my life has a hell of a pedestal to crawl up on. He’s going to have to know how to grab me and kiss me with all the passion in the world, challenge me to the ends I don’t know, listen to me and all my babbling, push through when I shut down, offer me help, offer others help, care for my children as though they are his, make me smile, surprise me, and show me that there’s still love in this world.

Damn it, Mr. B ….. I want to tell you that it’s getting easier, but it’s not. I want to tell you that I’m moving on, and I’m trying, but it’s not going so well.  I want you to know that I’m OK, but I cry A LOT!! A family member said to me the other day: “Lori, you need to not fall so hard so fast” and I disagree. The ones I fall for, bring so much joy to my life and memories that only are etched in my soul forever and those memories, I’ll keep. For it’s when I need to smile that I remember them…especially the very first one where I rode the escalator and seen you for the very first time.

Here’s to letting go …. And the next chapter, after I heal from this one.

let her go by passenger