What it feels like to 'like' someone at 39

As I watched you, you looked so lonely over there across the room, watching your daughter. You stood as though someone was coming at you and you didn’t want them to get through your guard. You corresponded to others, but you never let down that wall. You held yourself so poised and yet so distant from the rest, though you had every reason to be there as the rest of us.

You watched your daughter with nothing but the utmost attention to every simple detail in her moves. You showed the reason you were there and that was for her and to see her perform, nothing more. You were there to be a father and support your baby girl. 

I’d seen you before in the store and I thought I had seen you before somewhere and then that day that you were at my register, as I looked into your beautiful blue eyes, you were revealed to me through the system. As I shared my enthusiasm as to whose father you were, you were nothing but humble, yet your smile gave it all away. It was then that I knew that I wanted to know more. I wanted to know why you held yourself like you had and why was it that you were so alone at the events, where you were as welcome as the rest of us.

It wasn’t until you returned and caught me off guard, where I really began to wonder if that would ever become possible, to get to know you more in depth. Yet, it was when you asked if you could show me how to do something that I wasn’t aware of and I had to battle in my head to allow you to do so. Even as much as I knew I could figure it out, I wanted nothing but for you to ask me that over and over again. It was in that moment that I realized that I was missing that in my life, where someone recognized that I was struggling and yet offered to help me without me having to ask. It was in that moment that my vulnerability was recognized and after that moment, I’ve not stopped listening and watching your world.

I want you to want me ( Song )

Every time we’ve spoken or encountered each other, it’s not the same attraction I have to you as I’ve had to others in my life. It’s deeper, it’s something different. I don’t look for the butterflies, or the outsides attributes, I’m more interested in the inside of you. I want to know what makes you tick, what you like to do, or how you like your coffee, or if you even like coffee. I want to know what you listen to when you are traveling from one space to another. I want to know what you’d like to do and what it is that you enjoy doing. I want to know …. So much more about you.

Take my breath away ( Song )

As I watched you make sure that she was tended too, when you sat next to her, you looked so preoccupied and your wall was back again. You sat so stiff and unrelaxed, you didn’t smile much nor did you let down the guard that was held around you, yet you tried to always make sure she was shown love. You made sure that she went first, was dropped off while you parked the car and always showing the gentleman in you towards her.

Than that day that you made sure that I didn’t leave behind something that was important to me, that day, you created an obsession in my mind …. Whatever it is that makes you tick, is what I want more of in my life. I want someone to always be there to make sure that I shut off the lights, that I don’t forget to lock the door, to help me remember the kids events, to help me with directions, to help me …. 

Now, I’m acting like a high schooler that can’t seem to shake you off of my mind, and when I do, there you are all over again!!

 Maybe I’m supposed to ride this ride to remember what it’s like to really enjoy the infatuation of a male that is desirable to other women and someone that would actually love me back, verses all the opposing options in the world. Maybe you are in my life to remind me of HOPE and that men like you do still exist and you are still around. Maybe I’m outta my mind and everything that I’ve seen, felt and enjoyed this far is all a dream and part of my own little fantasy. 

The one I want ( Song )

Either way, all I really want is for you to ask me how my day is and if I’d like to go out for a cup of coffee and an adventure, with you, where all we do is laugh and giggle like two teenagers and nothing but that moment matters.

Come and Get it ( Song )

*Funny, as I write this I’m sitting here as a blubbering mess, for I’m not sure if what I yearn is actually attainable, for someone like me. It’s never been in my life an honestly, I’m not sure it’s possible to attain in my life. I do know however, that no matter how much I yearn for someone to just like me for me and want nothing but me in their lives, is something that I’ve wanted since I was a very young girl who only wanted to be nothing but loved.

I want to know what love is ( Song )